Build Better Relationships: The Work of Building Our Independent Self and Dependent Self
We live in the paradox of how much we need others to regulate our emotions, yet can learn to self-regulate no matter what another does. We hone in on accessing our multiple parts while increasing our ability to choose which one to use. What at first appears contradictory becomes habitual after experimentation and practice. We learn 1) to identify key elements of each situation as it changes moment to moment, 2) set reasonable goals given the situation, and 3) access the part of ourselves that most effectively lead us towards those goals. We are building better relationships while engaged in this development.
Some Examples: The Work of Building Our Independent Self and Dependent Self
Heart and Warrior
At what moment do we access our open, receptive, and connected self yet are ready to bring forth our boundaried, competing, and redirecting self? Can we choose active listening to another and redirect that stance to express ourselves with reasonable goals in the given context? Do we have both the Heart and the Warrior available for empathy/connection and self-organization/competition?
Voice
At what moment do we feel our impulse to speak with the choice to express or contain that impulse? Or can we note when we feel we do not have that choice? Instead, do we express ourselves because “we should” or “we must” or from fear of feeling “silenced”? Or do we silence ourselves from rules of appropriateness or fear of hurting others? Can we shift to being at choice dependent upon the situation and reasonable goals?
Perfection as We Are
Can we accept ourselves and others as perfect the way we are yet simultaneously strive towards our values and what matters to us? Experientially put, can we hate what another says or does yet welcome with respect that they get to determine their actions? Can we see the world perfect the way it is AND strive together to make it better? Can we see all people like oak trees as beautiful in all shapes and sizes - yet gnarly, twisted, and perhaps stunted as they reach for the sun?
Communication and Connection
Can we connect with others as we receive their offerings, yet connect with ourselves when others are not available? Experientially said, can we express our longings with another? And tolerate what may come back our way? If not heard or dismissed, can we hold onto ourselves by connecting with ourselves? Surely not easy. But perhaps even harder: If they GET us, can we experience relief and connection even as we are mad about how long it took or want more than what they got? Probably the hardest of all to do – another paradox. The single most important pickle we find ourselves in!
Truth
Can we claim what we know to be true without proof to back us up? Yet be ready to change our stance should we find evidence to the contrary? Can we KNOW without needing validation? Can we KNOW yet with the possibility that at any moment we do NOT KNOW? Can we experience uncertainty while claiming our wisdom?
Mutual and Unequal
Can we seek the power and joy of mutual relationship development work together, yet enjoy making use of our energy and resources when the other is not available? Can we shift from resentment (not fair!) to satisfaction despite the inequality of the contribution between ourselves and others? Where we note the reality of how much more we are contributing than another? Can we fill up with our freedom, power, and joy as we choose when to pursue mutuality and when to embrace inequality? (Note: I’m talking about relationship development work as opposed to tasks, chores, and responsibilities.)
How a Supportive Group Setting Aids This Experiential Work
These are but snippets of apparent contradictions where we work to build an Independent Self that empowers are Dependent Self. Note that it’s impossible to understand this work without experiencing it. Some can be done in couples therapy; some in individual therapy. Yet both of those mediums are limited. This is experiential work where we get triggered and work with our defenses as they arise. With others who are doing the same. We build a SELF that we bring wherever we go.
Where we develop self-awareness through relationships of our creative protections and reclaim the parts that have gone into hiding. We claim our emotional intelligence, along with our ability to choose a course of action. The Me and We: Building Blocks chart provides a one-page summary of the nine building blocks, frames, images, and skills. The Me and We Audio Course expands upon these nine building blocks with descriptions, examples, and applications. But nothing can substitute for the work itself.
All are welcome to try out the Me and We Relationship Practice group for an experiential introduction or for an ongoing environment to build the Independent and Dependent SELF. As a relationship therapist in Berkeley, I am passionate about this work. Contact my online California practice today to begin working toward more fulfilling relationships.
Strengthen Your Sense of Self and Connection Through Relationship Practice in Berkeley, CA
Building better relationships starts with understanding the balance between connection to self and connection to others. When we learn to honor both our need for closeness and our need for autonomy, relationships become less about conflict and more about growth. The Me and We Relationship Practice group offers a supportive environment to explore this balance—helping you communicate more clearly, deepen emotional awareness, and cultivate genuine connection without losing yourself in the process.
Through my online therapy practice in Berkeley, CA, you’ll discover how to recognize the protective patterns and defenses that often block intimacy and trust. Together, we’ll explore new ways of listening, expressing, and relating—developing practical skills to transform frustration into understanding and isolation into collaboration.
Here’s how to begin your journey toward integration and connection:
Explore whether the Me and We Relationship Practice group is right for you by scheduling a free 15-minute consultation.
Work with an experienced relationship therapist in Berkeley who helps you access your emotional intelligence and express yourself with clarity and confidence.
Learn how to move from reactivity to awareness, build healthy interdependence, and reconnect with the sense of vitality that comes from being both whole and connected.
Other Online Services Bonnie Macbride Offers in California
Building better connections, both with yourself and with the people who matter most, requires space to slow down, reflect, and practice new ways of relating. When you develop relationship-building skills in a supportive setting, you gain clarity, confidence, and the ability to navigate challenges with greater ease and intention.
The Me and We Relationship Practice group provides a guided, collaborative space where you can examine the patterns that keep you stuck, learn to communicate from your core self, and build the emotional flexibility that leads to more fulfilling relationships. Together, we work directly with the moments that matter most—those points of uncertainty, tension, fight, or withdrawal that hold the key to deeper connection.
Through my online California therapy practice, I offer several groups designed to support growth across different dimensions of your life. The Me and We Relationship Practice group welcomes individuals of any gender who want to experience the Me and We Method firsthand. This group is also available ongoing for continued growth and leadership development.
Those seeking ongoing participation in a size-limited group, my Growth and Leadership groups (women only) provide a committed space to explore dependency, self-authority, emotional presence, and relational leadership. As a licensed online therapist in Berkeley, I help individuals learn how to shape their own well-being and positively influence their relationships and communities.
If you’re curious about how group work can support your personal and relational growth, I invite you to schedule a free consultation. You can also explore my Me and We audio course, blog, and FAQ page for additional tools, insights, and guidance. Wherever you are in your journey, you don’t have to walk it alone—join others who are committed to building connection, resilience, and greater satisfaction in their relationships.
About the Author
Dr. Bonnie Macbride, EdD, MFT, is a Northern California therapist with more than 25 years of experience helping individuals, couples, and groups strengthen how they relate, communicate, and grow together. Drawing from her background as a former Professor of Counseling Psychology, her certification as an Emotionally Focused Therapist, and her extensive work in Systems Centered Training, Bonnie blends theory with lived experience to support meaningful relational change. As the creator of the Me and We Method, she offers an experiential framework that helps people build essential relationship-building skills, expand emotional awareness, and step into leadership in their own lives. Her work reflects a deep commitment to guiding others toward greater clarity, connection, and personal agency.