Relationship Communication: Wouldn’t It Be Great If She Stopped Complaining?
I have worked with hundreds of couples. With male/female partners, I can honestly say that 90% of the time, men wish that their women would stop complaining. A reasonable solution to the fights that go nowhere.
No matter how many times this solution is offered, it doesn’t get the couple anywhere. Hence, they come to my office, seeking guidance through relationship practice.
How Does Effective Communication in Relationships Start?
I say to the men: “You don’t want to be the kind of guy that says to your woman: ‘If you have something that’s bothering you, keep it to yourself.’ I don’t think that’s who you are. Am I right?”
The men pause, look at me. They want to know without saying a word: What else do you suggest?
I say to them: “How about trying on, ‘I want to hear what’s on your mind. Bring it on, babe.’”
If they show signs of reluctance (almost always), I say, “You don’t need to agree. You can also say ‘hold on’ and ‘I’m no longer ready’ or, in some way, stop the conversation when it’s not working for you. You are receiving her voice or expression. But only when you’re ready.”
I also let him know I have a script ready for him to try out as he listens to her. Calming to have a plan to focus on while she expresses something bothering her about him.
Most of the time, that’s all it takes for him to try this out. A promising first step.
There are Benefits to Actively Communicating With Your Partner.
He says: “I want to hear what’s on your mind. Bring it on, babe.” We all giggle because the words are scripted, and ‘babe’ is often not the endearment term he uses with her. Or maybe simply awkward but manageable.
Before she begins, I watch her carefully to see what happens in the moment of hearing him say these words. “What’s it like to hear him say this to you?”
Often, very often, her eyes sparkle. She likes it. She might say so. She might not. But this is a potential moment of connection between them that is not to be missed.
Maybe she isn’t ready to take in his presence to be with her, welcoming her voice. That’s ok. Work for her. Maybe later.
She then begins to bring up something. Her body carries the wisdom of something that is not quite right. Like Goldilocks. Or Princess and the Pea. That she can dare to find and express, as her man is beckoning her to come forth. Builds trust and makes it potentially safe for her.
My Relationship Practice Group Shows Individuals How to Communicate More Effectively.
I coach him to use the Resonating skill. No agreement for what she says unless that is true for him. No need to do what she wants. Receiving is hearing her voice, not taking action.
I also coach her to express something that matters to her. That she longs for. That takes courage to unearth within her and share with him. This can be quite challenging for her. Yet makes a difference that he, of all the people in the world, wants to hear her. Nobody else matters as much as HIM to get HER.
Most of the time, they find their bond. Right then. We haven’t resolved anything. They want more than that. They want something that will stop the pain. They know they will fight again.
Repairing Relationships Often Begins With Healthy Communication.
As an experienced relationship therapist, I have to share with them the good news and the bad news. First, the bad news: “Yes, you will get into it again. That’s what it means to be intimate partners who want their voice and want to grow together. You’re not the kind of couple that simply wants to walk parallel paths, taking care of business, and growing old with no connection. Takes courage for each of you to be who you are and find a way to do that together.”
Then the good news: “You just now demonstrated your ability to REPAIR. Not RESOLVE. That happens over time, sometimes a long time. But REPAIR is a resource that will take you both far. And you both did it. It’s the most important ingredient of growth work. Which you both are ready for.”
Then to him (while I know she is listening): “You can do this. You can be there for her. You can choose this stance. And if you do, again and again, she then has her work cut out for her. Because it’s not your job to do what she wants. Rather, she needs you to GET her. Of course, if you feel like doing what she wants, go for it. But she doesn’t want a guy who is her slave and does her bidding. She doesn’t want a guy who says ‘Yes ma’am.’ And then loses himself to her wishes.”
He looks at me quizzically, perhaps disagreeing with me.
Relationship Repair Requires Ongoing Attention.
“As I said, you do this again and again – she then has her work to do. She needs to take charge of her own happiness. And then lead the relationship in a way that works for both of you.”
Most of the time, he is relieved. He sure wants her to do her work. He sees a path that he can follow. He’s tired of the never-ending cycle of alone, apart, and stuck.
Often it is she who feels burdened with some expression of “What? I’ve got to do more?”
I say yes. Relationship practice is hard work. But rewarding.
I can help you. Let’s work together through my online California therapy practice.
Communicate With Confidence and Clarity Through the Me and We Relationship Practice Group in Berkeley, CA
When communication keeps breaking down, it’s easy to feel discouraged. Especially when it seems like one partner is “always complaining” and the other is always on the defensive. Online relationship practice offers a supportive space to uncover what’s really happening beneath these patterns, so you can create connection rather than conflict. The Me and We Relationship Practice group helps you develop the skills to understand your own reactions, hear your partner more fully, and express yourself with greater honesty and self-authority.
In my online Berkeley-based practice, the Me and We groups invite you to explore the deeper messages hidden inside complaints, frustrations, and emotional triggers. Together, we learn practical communication tools and experiential methods that help you move beyond old defenses and into more grounded, meaningful interactions—both in your relationship and in your daily life.
Here’s how to begin your path toward more connected and intentional communication:
See if the Me and We Relationship Practice group is the right fit for your growth during your free 15-minute consultation.
Work with an experienced relationship therapist in Berkeley who will help you access your emotional intelligence and develop a more empowered voice.
Learn to recognize your protective patterns without letting them take over. Shift from reactivity to awareness and reclaim the parts of yourself that make you feel whole, engaged, and alive in your relationships.
Other Online Therapy Services With Bonnie Macbride in California
Learning to build healthier, more connected relationships takes intention, practice, and the right environment to try out new skills. When you engage in relationship work within a supportive group, you can explore your habits, express yourself more freely, and develop the resilience needed to stay connected—even during difficult conversations.
The Me and We Relationship Practice group provides a collaborative, experiential space where you can examine stuck communication patterns, understand the emotions driving them, and cultivate a clearer, more grounded voice. Together, we focus on the real-time moments that matter most. Those instances of tension, defensiveness, or withdrawal that offer important opportunities for growth and connection.
Through my online California therapy practice, I offer several groups to support people at different stages of personal and relational development. The Me and We Relationship Practice group introduces individuals of any gender to the Me and We Method and can be continued long-term for deeper relational skill-building. For women seeking a more committed community, my Growth and Leadership groups provide a focused environment to explore emotional presence, personal authority, and relational leadership. As a licensed online therapist in Berkeley, I help clients learn to take ownership of their well-being and positively influence their relationships and environments.
If you’d like to explore group-based growth work, I invite you to schedule a free consultation. You can also explore my Me and We audio course, blog, and FAQ page for tools and insights to support your relational development. Wherever you are in your process, you don’t have to move through it alone. Join others who are committed to learning, growing, and creating more fulfilling relationships.
About the Author
Dr. Bonnie Macbride, EdD, MFT, is a seasoned therapist based in Northern California with over 25 years of experience facilitating groups and working with couples and individuals. As a Certified Emotionally Focused Therapist, a former Professor of Counseling Psychology, and with extensive training in Systems Centered Training, Bonnie embodies her own transformational growth work to guide others in self-discovery and leadership. As the creator of the Me and We Method, she offers an experiential approach to support and challenge clients to take charge of their happiness and influence relationships in all walks of life.