Relationship Building: Could It Be Our Job to Meet Ourselves When They Can’t or Won’t?
As the person in the relationship who complains or protests, we can do hard yet rewarding work. By ourselves. Often a woman, but gender is not the defining criteria.
As women, we want our partners to meet us in our dependency needs. Of course we do. The Call to Respond arises from within us. These dependency impulses are healthy. They never go away. We know the relief we feel when another hears our call and responds in a way that we know we matter. We know the exquisite connection that we both experience. We feel the relief as we shift to safety.
In this comfort that extends past time, the sun comes out. All is right in the world, at least for the moment. We are wise to have our longings, express them, and impact our partners in a way that leads us towards connection. Let’s not ever stop leading in that direction. Our relationships depend upon us.
What if Our Partner Doesn’t Meet Our Needs?
Yet when our partners don’t meet us, then what? What if their capacity to meet us is blocked by something happening to them? That is not about us, but about something they need to address or work with?
What if they can’t access their emotional intelligence in that moment? Do we insist that they meet us anyway? Do we let their blocks and barricades determine how we feel? Do we suffer as we wonder if we are with the right person, even when we’re not ready to do anything about it? Do we wait for our own happiness to arise only when they meet us? Can we imagine how irritating we are as we sit in our dissatisfaction, pining for something other than what is happening now?
Why Reframing Our Perspective Matters
When we reframe our relationship perspective to expressing all our parts, including our longings, yet deal -- even welcome -- our longings not met, we take a leap towards transformation. We become whole as we embody our Dependent Self and build upon our Independent Self. We know that just because we long to be met does not mean it’s the job of our partner (or anyone else) to do so. We are on the way to claiming our freedom, power, and joy. We are on the psychological journey of growth as well as the spiritual journey of giving and receiving. We are developing healthy relationship habits.
Our next step is to find out how to hang onto ourselves, building this Independent Self to meet the challenges of the moment. In my relationship practice in Berkeley, we focus on self-development and self-regulation.
The Bad News: Emotional Dysregulation
The bad news is that even when we try hard, we lose ourselves. When we remain silent, we know the difference between having and losing ourselves. (They usually do too). We will always get triggered, reacting with multiple guards, falling off the horse, doing a face-plant in the dust, and feeling miserable in one way or another. We will always get emotionally dysregulated.
From a relationship therapist's perspective, I want to remind you that we are not crazy. We see the truth of their shortcomings, their stuff, their repetitive irritants. If they are developing themselves, they see ours too. Not a reasonable goal to eliminate our reactive protective selves. Not a reasonable goal to try to eliminate theirs either.
The Good News: Relationship-Building Skills
The good news is that we can strive towards a doable goal to fall off and get back on. Fall not so deeply, not as often, and for not as long. We can feel good about being on the path as we make progress. We aim to choose when to lead with our dependency impulses as we build our capacity to meet ourselves. We witness the impact of our own growth on our relational system. We develop our ME and see the impact on the WE. We are taking charge of our happiness and leading our relationship towards development. We can witness progress in improving personal and professional relationships.
What does that look like? It’s the work of the heart and the warrior. More to say about that next.
Cultivate Self-Understanding and Relational Confidence Through the Me and We Relationship Practice in Berkeley, CA
Creating healthier relationships often begins with meeting ourselves—especially in the moments when others can’t or won’t. When you learn to stay grounded in your own inner world while still reaching toward connection, you build relationships that are more resilient, balanced, and emotionally honest. The Me and We Relationship Practice group offers a collaborative space to explore this essential relationship-building skill, helping you strengthen your voice, honor your needs, and engage with others without abandoning yourself.
Through my online therapy practice in Berkeley, CA, you’ll gain tools to recognize the patterns, defenses, and habits that arise when connection feels threatened. Together, we’ll practice new ways of relating—listening with openness, expressing with intention, and responding with presence—so you can turn moments of disconnect into opportunities for understanding and growth.
Here’s how to begin your journey toward deeper self-awareness and more meaningful relationships:
Start by scheduling a free 15-minute consultation to see whether the Me and We Relationship Practice group is a fit for you.
Work with an experienced relationship therapist in Berkeley who can help you tap into your emotional intelligence and communicate from a grounded, authentic place.
Learn to shift from automatic reactions to intentional choices, develop healthy interdependence, and rediscover the vitality that comes from knowing yourself—and connecting from that truth.
Explore Other Online Services With Bonnie Macbride in California
Developing meaningful relationship skills takes intention, practice, and a space where you can try new ways of relating without judgment. In a supportive group setting, you can learn to understand your patterns, stay present in difficult moments, and build the confidence needed to create more satisfying connections in your life.
The Me and We Relationship Practice group offers a structured, experiential environment where you can slow down, explore what’s happening beneath the surface, and begin relating from a more grounded and authentic place. Together, we focus on the moments that truly shape relationships—those times of hesitation, frustration, conflict, or withdrawal—and use them as opportunities to build emotional awareness and stronger connection.
Through my online California therapy practice, I offer a range of groups designed to help you grow in meaningful and sustainable ways. The Me and We Relationship Practice group invites people of all genders to experience the Me and We Method, which can be continued long-term for deeper relational growth and leadership development.
For those wanting a more committed community, my size-limited Growth and Leadership groups (women only) provide an intimate space to explore dependency, inner authority, emotional presence, and relational leadership. As a licensed online therapist in Berkeley, I support individuals in shaping their own well-being and influencing their relationships with intention and clarity.
If you'd like to discover how group work can enhance your personal and relational development, I encourage you to schedule a free consultation. You can also explore my Me and We audio course, blog, and FAQ page for additional perspectives and tools. No matter where you are on your path, you don't have to move through it alone. Connect with others who share your commitment to growth, resilience, and meaningful relationships.
About the Author
Dr. Bonnie Macbride, EdD, MFT, brings over 25 years of experience helping individuals, couples, and groups develop the relational skills needed to connect more authentically and navigate challenges with confidence. As the creator of the Me and We Method, she offers an experiential approach that supports people in strengthening emotional awareness, improving communication, and cultivating leadership in their relationships.
Her work is informed by extensive training in Emotionally Focused Therapy, Systems Centered Training, and her years as a Professor of Counseling Psychology, allowing her to integrate both practical tools and deep theoretical insight. Bonnie’s therapeutic approach reflects her dedication to helping people build healthier relationships—starting with the relationship they have with themselves.