Part I: Focus on REACT in Relationship Practice
REACT is something we know happens to us and to others. Yet, we can often miss the moment we had the reaction. Or, we remember the moment yet already conclude who is to BLAME. With multiple repetitions of this process, we create a story where our satisfaction or happiness is generalized across time.
“I struggle with depression.” “I’m an anxious person.” “My partner is controlling.” “My job is boring.” “There’s no place for me to fit in.” “If only my boundaries were respected, everything would be fine.” Through relationship practice, learning to shift from stories or generalizations to Key Moments paves the way to reduce suffering.
Let’s start with the moments we remember we had a reaction.
Remembering Our Reactions
When we remember the moment of our reaction, we can retell it, sharing with others about what happened at home, work, school, or whatever situation we remember. We highlight someone’s reaction. Maybe our own. The feelings we sensed including our feelings about what we saw happen. We remember these feelings often more than who said what. We assign causation to these feelings. It’s part of the story we tell.
If it’s a feeling we like, we share our story with the pleasure we felt. We pass that pleasure onto the person we’re telling. “She made me laugh.” We can feel our joy long after it happened. The person listening often joins us with a smile.
If it’s a feeling we don’t like, we BLAME. We share our story with a feeling dependent upon our past. “They made me feel _______.” This feeling depends upon the meaning we learned from different sources. Messages that our families taught us. Some that we learned from the “right” teaching and modeling of father, mother, brothers, sisters, and more. Others that we learned to counter or avoid the “wrong” behaviors they directed towards us.
Messages from our culture passed down through the generations – spoken or unspoken. Messages from our community – socialization that helped us grow as we learned “right” from “wrong”. We humans create meaning about behaviors using messages from our past linked to our feelings. We merge the “right/wrong” thoughts together with our feelings, forming necessary “shortcuts” that protect ourselves and others. As a relationship therapist, I recognize that without these shortcuts, we would be lost.
Assigning Our Reactions
When we blame, we use the shortcut to assign wrong. They are wrong, or I am wrong. At times seesawing in a search to land the blame. With a violator and a victim. “Do you know what they did today?” “How could they have done that!” “They should have…” “I shouldn’t have…” “What should I have done?” “Wouldn’t you have done the same as me?”
If we share this story and feel better, most often no harm is done (at least in the moment). But it is these merged shortcuts of our thoughts and our feelings that can lie at the root of how we suffer. They can lead to the stories (and behaviors) where we miss our joy, cut off from our power, and with diminished freedom to choose. We can feel silenced, alone, helpless, and hopeless.
Recognizing Our Reactions
In this first step of the cycle = REACT, we begin to reclaim our birthright. We are already on our way if we can remember the moment of reaction. We can direct our attention back to that moment. We can “suspend” the story or shortcut, without “throwing away” the right/wrong causation. We can simplify the moment to “I had a reaction.” Or, “I got triggered when ____said ______.”
Through online groups in my Berkeley therapy practice, we undo the merge of the thought and feeling to a simple recognition of REACT. We can revisit the old shortcut with curiosity that interrupts causation.
Perhaps doesn’t sound like much. I assert: it is PROFOUND. Think of all the people you know, where you would be shocked if they undid the merge between their thought and their feeling when they had a reaction. Especially when they go on and on with their story of Violator and Victim. Or worse, when you are on the receiving end, you as the Violator and them as Victim.
Perhaps you already do this? Great. You may be ready for REGROUP – the second step of the cycle of REACT, REGROUP, REHEARSE, REDO. Where we reorganize from REACT (unpleasant) to connecting with ourselves (pleasant). Where we are on the way to reclaiming our emotional wisdom through investigations of ourselves.
Preview: Getting to know our shortcut merge of thought and feeling allows us to become explorers of our ME, revisiting a moment of WE. We can begin the internal process of the Scientific Method, where we identify a problem, form hypotheses, try experiments, gather data, make tentative conclusions, and then repeat the whole process. We reclaim our emotional wisdom and gain confidence in claiming what is true. Without suspending causation, we CANNOT engage in this process.
Directing Our Focus
Back to REACT: But what about the times we don’t remember the REACT moment? We only discover later that we don’t feel good. We are suffering (again) with no moment to revisit.
It’s important to develop an ongoing practice to awaken ourselves. We use our most important instrument – our barometer of I LIKE, or I DON’T LIKE. Am I liking what I’m feeling right now? Or, am I not liking what I’m feeling right now? We are directing this LIKE/NOT LIKE focus to the feeling state of ourselves.
Crucial practice. This helps us redirect our focus from others to ourselves. We get to know our ME in each moment. Self-empowerment. We increase our ability to capture and remember the REACT moment. Where we can then be ready to undo the links of thoughts and feelings, our shortcuts developed long ago.
As important, we use this practice of LIKE/DON’T LIKE in our interactions with others. We become more able to catch our REACT as it happens and reduce its intensity and duration. We build our confidence to know our REACT, triggering an old shortcut story in our ME vs. bringing our attention to the WE. Our discernment of ME and WE helps us not only enjoy or LIKE the moment but also allows us to direct attention where we can LEAD or influence the situation. We are taking charge of our happiness and leading or redirecting the situation towards shared goals.
Focus on REACT Through Online Relationship Practice in Berkeley, CA
If you’ve ever found yourself replaying a situation, assigning blame, or telling a familiar story about what’s wrong—with yourself, your partner, or your life—you’re already touching the REACT moment. Relationship practice helps you slow these moments down, recognize what actually happened inside you, and regain choice instead of staying trapped in old shortcuts of thought and feeling.
The Me and We Relationship Practice group supports you in learning how to identify reactions as they arise—or shortly after—without immediately collapsing into blame, judgment, or generalized stories. Through my online practice in Berkeley, CA, you’ll practice shifting attention from “what’s wrong with them” to “what just happened in me,” developing the capacity to suspend conclusions, separate thoughts from feelings, and work directly with key moments that shape your relationships. This foundational skill reduces suffering, restores emotional freedom, and opens the door to the next steps of regrouping, rehearsing, and redoing.
Here’s how to begin developing this essential relationship practice:
Explore whether the Me and We Relationship Practice group is right for you by scheduling a free 15-minute consultation.
Work with an experienced relationship therapist in Berkeley who helps you recognize reactivity, reclaim emotional wisdom, and build confidence in what you know to be true.
Learn to catch REACT in real time, interrupt old shortcut stories, and develop the self-awareness needed to lead yourself—and your relationships—toward clarity, choice, and shared goals.
Other Services Bonne Macbride Offers Online in California
Learning to work with REACT requires more than insight. It takes ongoing practice in environments where reactions can be noticed, explored, and transformed. Through online relationship practice groups, you can develop the skills to recognize when you’ve slipped into old stories or blame and gently bring yourself back to the present moment, where choice and influence are possible.
The Me and We Relationship Practice group offers a structured, experiential setting to work directly with moments of reactivity—whether you remember the moment clearly or only recognize later that something feels off. In this group, we slow down the inner process, learn to separate thoughts from feelings, and practice suspending shortcut conclusions so emotional wisdom can emerge. By focusing on key moments rather than generalized stories, you build the capacity to reduce suffering, shorten recovery time, and respond with greater clarity and self-leadership.
Through my online California therapy practice, I offer several groups to support growth at different stages. The Me and We Relationship Practice group is open to all genders and provides an entry point into the Me and We Method, with the option for ongoing participation as skills deepen. For those seeking a more committed container, my Growth and Leadership groups (women only) offer continued exploration of self-authority, emotional regulation, and relational influence. As a licensed online therapist in Berkeley, I support individuals in learning how to take charge of their happiness and lead themselves—and their relationships—with intention.
If you’d like to explore group-based growth work, I invite you to schedule a free consultation. You can also access my Me and We audio course, blog, and FAQ page for tools and reflections that support recognizing REACT, reclaiming choice, and continuing your relationship practice. Wherever you are on your path, you don’t have to do this work alone. Join others committed to awareness, growth, and meaningful connection.
About the Author
Dr. Bonnie Macbride, EdD, MFT, is a Northern California–based therapist with more than 25 years of experience helping individuals, couples, and groups develop practical relationship skills through ongoing practice. Her work integrates Emotionally Focused Therapy, Systems Centered Training, and her background as a former Professor of Counseling Psychology, offering clients both depth and structure as they learn to work with reactivity rather than be ruled by it. As the creator of the Me and We Method, Bonnie guides people to recognize key relational moments, separate thought from feeling, and reclaim emotional wisdom. Her approach emphasizes awareness, choice, and leadership—supporting clients in building relationships rooted in clarity, responsibility, and shared growth.