Part IV: Focus on REDO in Relationship Practice
This post, the fourth installment of my blog series, illustrates REDO in relationship practice.
The Cycle in Action: An Example of REDO
My text to John, whom I adore and who I find irritating when he doesn’t show, doesn’t call, and doesn’t reschedule:
Hi John. It’s Bonnie.
I can only imagine how you are suffering. The way you run your business. Must be hard on you. You are gifted. Psychologically and socially. In your expertise as a contractor. With your employees. You consistently show how much you care.
But dropping the ball the way you do doesn’t work. I can only imagine this is hard on you, too. You remind me of a friend. She is an expert in what she does. She provides for her family. She works hard. She gives and gives. But she has “episodes” that she is ashamed about. Where she drops everyone.
Is that you? I refuse to believe that you are anything but a good man. You are not a trickster. You are not a scammer.
Please call.
He responded with a heart.
I thought to myself: A heart? How was he interpreting what I texted?
I texted again.
Going on the record:
1) You are the single greatest relief in this 4+ year renovation.
2) You are incorrigible in repeated no-shows with no warning, no communication, and extended delays.
3) Not professional. Not the way to run a business. Not the way to treat people.
4) Despite our gratitude, we are ready to be done with this repeating pattern with you. Too frustrating to wonder and wait. Too much management of feeling disrespected by you. Angry. Hurt. Now mostly sad.
5) We are dependent on you. You have the power to determine when we are released from this approaching 5-year project.
6) WHEN?
I await your call. Once again.
Him:
Good morning Bonnie. This is for you, please. I always help you with your project. Plus, I put extra effort into it. I am delaying the final inspection because of the changes made by you. I don’t agree with your text.
Me:
I agree with your text about your care and extra protection. Your careful work. Your willingness to take on responsibilities above and beyond requirements.
You do that. Your crew does that. Exemplary.
Are you saying you don’t agree that you schedule and then don’t show without letting us know? That you then go weeks, maybe months, without contact despite repeated requests?
Do you not know how disrespectful that is to others? Do you not know the frustration, hurt, anxiety, and sadness that generates?
You are a good man. Who cares deeply about others. You mystify me in this regard of how disrespectful you are.
I don’t understand how you have not hired an assistant to text or email clients long ago. Because I know you work so hard. But, of course, I don’t know how you should run your business.
Do you truly disagree with the facts and your impact on me and others?
Our final exchanges.
Him:
Hi Bonnie. The way I run my business is my concern. It’s not for others to tell me. Please know I will call for the final inspection soon. The only thing needed is the two exterior light fixtures. Then we will be able to call for the final inspections.
Me:
Got it. I have gone on the record for my own self-respect. I trust you to get the job done. Which is why I dare to speak what’s true. Thank you, John. 🙏🏼❤️
Him:
Not a problem.
Self-Reflection in the Cycle
I felt relieved after this text. I had done what I could. I did not expect John to acknowledge my understanding of my position. Let alone declare he would change his position.
Over the years we had worked together, this pattern stood out. I had addressed it with him multiple times. So had my husband. But this communication to him was different. Not only because it was in writing via a text. But because I shared “on the record.”
1. React
My thoughts right now go to you, the reader. I start thinking, you know, a way to handle this situation to get John to change his position. Another thought is that you think I’m slow or wrong or in some way deficient. As I think this, I feel bad. Quickly, I question myself to see if maybe I could have handled this better, more effectively. Even as a relationship therapist, maybe I have more work to do on my “issues”. I’m now clearly in REACT. This time, generated by my thoughts about you, the reader.
A quick run-through of the Cycle we explore in my online practice. I’ve caught my REACT: I am off the horse. I would like to get back on.
2. Regroup
REGROUP: I feel my desire to get back on the horse. I see that my thoughts (projections or “mindreads”) have created the secondary emotions that feel bad. CLAIM: I’m not crazy to have these mindreads. I have some good reason to think what I’m thinking. Likely that some readers will take the position of one-up. Or at least of knowing something more skillful that could possibly be useful to me. COMPASSION: Not easy for me to share my challenges with others when I do not have any idea who they are. CURIOSITY: I shift to not knowing what others are thinking. I shift to wondering how I might use this experience towards something satisfying for me.
3. Rehearse
REHEARSE: GAS: GOAL = complete writing this blog. ACTION: Go back and finish it. SITUATION: Oh yeah – I need to remember to get important details of the situation where I was triggered. While writing a blog, I had a REACT, then practiced REGROUP while communicating this process with the reader. Goal = demonstrate REHEARSE to the reader. One option is share with the reader my engagement with REACT REGROUP REHEARSE REDO. Which I chose to do here.
4. Redo
REDO: The above indented demonstration of the Cycle using my REACT.
Back to the text sent to the contractor: I am not claiming that my communication was “right” or the one needed for the situation. I had worked the cycle of REACT REGROUP REHEARSE REDO many times with John. In this one, I was clear about GOAL ACTION SITUATION (GAS). We had developed a relational system that could tolerate differences. Given my dependency on him completing the job, my goal was to have my voice by going on the record AND hold the WE enough for him to complete the job.
I was ready to accept the outcome of this communication wherever it took us. I anticipated his commitment to complete the project. I also trusted he would understand what I was saying about him. Even if he disagreed. I sought the satisfaction of knowing the discomfort he would experience from feeling his own contradiction. SATISFACTION felt.
The pot of gold: I continued to wish he would stop dropping me. I wanted him to acknowledge his part in being disrespectful. But I was not going to miss the rainbow: the satisfaction of going on the record and doing what I could. Yay for me.
REDO & Create New Outcomes Through Relationship Practice in Berkeley, CA
Relationships ask a lot of us, especially when we are committed to growth, honesty, and connection. Without practice, it’s easy to stay caught in familiar loops of frustration or disconnection. The Me and We Relationship Practice group offers a place to take what you’ve learned and consciously REDO. To return to moments that didn’t go the way you hoped and try again with greater clarity, courage, and care.
In the Me and We group, offered through my online practice in Berkeley, CA, you work directly with real relational moments, yours and others’. You begin to recognize the deeper signals beneath defenses like complaints or withdrawal and experiment with new ways of responding. Through experiential learning, shared reflection, and practical skills, REDO becomes less about fixing and more about practicing new choices that align with who you are becoming, in relationships and in life.
Here’s how to begin your journey toward meaningful and lasting change:
Explore whether the Me and We Relationship Practice group is right for you by scheduling a free 15-minute consultation.
Work with an experienced relationship therapist in Berkeley who supports you in trusting the wisdom of your emotional intelligence and needs.
Learn to work with your protective guards without letting them run the show. Replace reactive communication with awareness and compassion, and build skills that allow you to return, redo, and reconnect.
Other Services Bonnie Macbride Offers in Berkeley, CA
Learning new relationship skills takes more than insight. It requires spaces where we can return to moments that matter and try again. When we work experientially with our missteps, frustrations, and unfinished interactions, we create the conditions for repair, confidence, and lasting change.
The Me and We Relationship Practice group provides a structured and collaborative setting where you can revisit stuck relational patterns, experiment with new ways of responding, and strengthen your ability to stay present when things get hard. Rather than avoiding difficult moments, we go directly to the heart of the work. Supporting you to express your voice, build emotional resilience, and practice REDO as a lived skill that deepens connection to both yourself and others.
Through my online California therapy practice, I offer several group experiences to support growth across different areas of life. The Me and We Relationship Practice group welcomes people of any gender and offers an entry point into the Me and We Method, with opportunities for continued practice as your skills develop. For those seeking a more sustained and committed container, my Growth and Leadership groups (women only) provide ongoing exploration of self-authority, emotional presence, and relational influence. As a licensed online therapist in Berkeley, I support individuals in learning how to take responsibility for their happiness and shape their environments with intention.
If you’re interested in engaging in group-based growth work, I invite you to schedule a free consultation. You can also explore my Me and We audio course, blog, and FAQ page for additional perspectives and tools to support your relational practice. Wherever you are on your path, you don’t have to do this work alone. Join others who bring curiosity, commitment, and energy to building more satisfying relationships.
About the Author
Dr. Bonnie Macbride, EdD, MFT, is a Northern California–based therapist with more than 25 years of experience leading relationship group practice and working with individuals and couples. Her work is shaped by her certification in Emotionally Focused Therapy, extensive training in Systems Centered Training, and her background as a former Professor of Counseling Psychology. As the creator of the Me and We Method, Bonnie brings an experiential, practice-based approach that invites clients to work directly with real relational moments—supporting self-discovery, leadership, and the ability to return, repair, and REDO interactions with greater clarity and intention.