Closeness in Intimate Relationships: The Power of Less
Across social systems and personal lives, a quiet force reveals itself again and again: the POWER OF LESS.
It shows up whenever one person longs for more but has less power to bring it about. Particularly true when one person seeks more closeness and connection than another. Relationally, whoever wants something less has more power to determine what happens between them—a dynamic sometimes revealed in my relationship practice group.
In racial systems, white individuals often feel no urgency to change a status quo that benefits them. Black individuals, on the other hand, carry the cost of that imbalance every day—seen in the structures around them, and felt in the quiet ache of being unseen within the collective WE that does not hold them equally.
This same pattern shows up across other systems—age, sexuality, class.
But it becomes most tender—and perhaps most painful—in intimate heterosexual relationships, especially for women.
In these relationships, the power of less isn’t just about systems or structures.
It’s about the emotional heartbeat of a shared life.
Why Does the Power of Less Affect Women Differently?
Many women come into relationships with a strong, natural desire for mutuality—for emotional presence, responsiveness, and connection. This longing isn’t only cultural. It’s often wired in early, through both biology and experience.
Compared to men, women tend to have more access to emotion from an early age. And they build on that access. They practice. They’re encouraged to develop it. They’re asked to carry the emotional life of families, friendships, and communities.
So by adulthood, many women have a kind of emotional fluency—a capacity for noticing, naming, and navigating what’s happening inside and between people.
And that makes it even more painful when the person they long to connect with can’t meet them there.
When women reach for that closeness, and it doesn’t come, it’s not just frustrating. It’s heartbreaking.
It can feel like: “I want to be met. I want to be cherished. I want to feel like I matter to you.”
But too often, those needs are dismissed. Labeled “too much.” Brushed aside as “too needy” or “never satisfied.”
Yet these are not dysfunctions. They are expressions of care. They are invitations toward a deeper WE.
Does the Power of Less Affect Men in Relationships?
And here’s the twist: many, if not most men, do care.
They want to matter to their partners. They’re trying. For their own happiness and well-being, they want to feel how much they make a difference to their partners. Like women, but in a different way.
But they often haven’t learned how. And they don’t know that they haven’t learned how.
They haven’t learned or been taught to sit with discomfort. To stay present without fixing. To notice their own inner world, much less someone else’s.
They’ve been trained to solve, to act, to move. Not to feel, reflect, or stay.
So in moments where connection is needed, many men withdraw—not from lack of love, but from lack of awareness and skill. Especially the awareness that they are certain that they KNOW in an area that they do NOT know.
As a relationship therapist, I’ve witnessed how this creates a painful bind.
The woman often carries the longing, the effort, the vision.
The man may hold more structural power, but not the capacity.
So the one who cares most about the WE ends up carrying it alone. Solo.
There is a reverse truth worth naming, too.
Sometimes, it’s the man who wants more closeness. Who feels dismissed or unseen. And sometimes he’s told he’s too needy.
But still, across most contexts, men haven’t been supported to build emotional intelligence as a form of power and connection. Instead, they’ve been conditioned to avoid it—confusing emotion with weakness, and silence with strength. They can be rejected by their women if they do come forth with their vulnerability and longing. Ouch!
Yet it’s most often women, in loving partnerships, who find themselves asking:
“Why do I feel so alone in this?”
“Why am I the one doing the emotional work?”
“Why can’t he meet me in this space that matters so much?”
Not because he doesn't care.
But because of two fundamental challenges – one in him and one in her.
How Can Relationship Practice Address These Challenges?
Starting with her: She doesn’t yet claim her authority in the emotional realm where she is more skilled. She is not ready to meet him where he is, while leading the relationship, where he develops his skills to meet her. Nothing wrong with her if she doesn’t choose that path. But often she misses knowing her capacity to bring about the kind of change they both want.
Next with him: He has not yet exercised his muscle to sit in uncertainty. To put down his sword and shield to be led by another without feeling he has given himself up. To dare to experience himself as less skillful than another shame-free in collaboration. That it’s ok to aim, miss the mark, and try again. Together.
And this is where intimacy invites something different than other forms of power imbalance.
You can protest a system. You can vote for change. But you can’t legislate closeness.
Intimacy requires something else: emotional courage. Development. Practice. Together.
So what’s the path forward?
We shift the frame.
We stop seeing WE as a fixed state—something you either have or don’t—and begin to see it as a shared practice. Something we build together. With the resources that each of us has.
Emotional intelligence is not a personality trait. It’s a skill set. One that anyone—of any gender—can learn. It takes one person to lead the way. The one who has the emotional resources to hang onto themselves and lead the relationship to include the resources each person brings.
This kind of closeness takes risk.
For women: the risk of trusting themselves as they voice their needs while soothing themselves when these needs are not met.
For men: the risk of building the inner muscles of presence, even when it feels unfamiliar. To navigate the terrain of shame in not knowing.
For both: the willingness to try again. And again.
In my Berkeley therapy practice, we learn how to meet each other where we are. We hope to be met in return. We learn to recognize when that happens—and when it doesn’t.
We take charge of our happiness instead of waiting for someone else to bring it to us.
We seek the pot of gold. Yet enjoy the rainbow’s arc as we follow its path.
Find Your Power to Promote Closeness Through Relationship Practice in Berkeley, CA
Longing for more closeness, while feeling you have little power to create it, can be one of the most painful positions in an intimate relationship. Relationship practice offers a way to stay connected to yourself, even when closeness feels uneven, and to learn how “less” can become a surprising source of strength, clarity, and influence. The Me and We Relationship Practice group supports individuals who want connection without losing themselves in the process.
In the Me and We group, offered through my online practice in Berkeley, CA, you explore the subtle communication signals that live beneath complaints, pursuit, or withdrawal. Together, we work experientially with the moments when you want more than is available—learning new frames of understanding and practical skills that help you stay present, grounded, and emotionally alive. This work supports repairing ruptures, reducing suffering, and finding new ways forward even when outcomes are uncertain.
Here’s how to begin your journey toward deeper self-connection and relational clarity:
Explore whether the Me and We Relationship Practice group is right for you by scheduling a free 15-minute consultation.
Work with an experienced relationship therapist in Berkeley who can support you in trusting the wisdom of your emotional intelligence and unmet longings.
Learn to recognize and work with your protective guards without letting them take over. Build relationship skills that help you feel more whole, empowered, and alive, even when closeness feels out of reach.
Other Services Bonnie Macbride Offers in California
Exploring relationship skills often begins when we recognize how much we long for closeness. And how little control we sometimes have over bringing it about. In a supportive group setting, you can learn how to stay connected to yourself, strengthen your voice, and build resilience even when intimacy feels uneven or uncertain.
The Me and We Relationship Practice group offers a structured, collaborative space where you can work experientially with the moments that feel most tender. When you want more, reach for connection, or feel the pull to withdraw. Together, we go to the heart of these experiences, exploring familiar patterns, expressing what matters, and developing the emotional steadiness needed for more satisfying and authentic relationships. This work helps you discover how “less” can become a place of clarity, choice, and personal power.
Through my online California therapy practice, I offer several groups to support growth across different areas of life. The Me and We Relationship Practice group welcomes individuals of any gender and serves as an introduction to the Me and We Method, with opportunities for continued participation as skills deepen. For those seeking a more committed container, my Growth and Leadership groups (women only) provide ongoing exploration of self-authority, emotional presence, and relational influence. As a licensed online therapist in Berkeley, I support individuals in learning how to take responsibility for their happiness and thoughtfully influence their relational environments.
If you’re interested in engaging in group-based growth work, I invite you to schedule a free consultation. You can also explore my Me and We audio course, blog, and FAQ page for practical tools and perspectives that support self-awareness and deeper connection. Wherever you are on your journey, you don’t have to do this work alone. Join others who bring curiosity, commitment, and energy to their growth.
About the Author
Dr. Bonnie Macbride, EdD, MFT, is a Northern California–based therapist with more than 25 years of experience leading relationship group practice and working with individuals and couples. Her work is informed by her certification in Emotionally Focused Therapy, extensive training in Systems Centered Training, and her background as a former Professor of Counseling Psychology. As the creator of the Me and We Method, Bonnie brings an experiential, practice-oriented approach that helps people work directly with moments of longing, imbalance, and connection—supporting self-discovery, emotional leadership, and the capacity to influence relationships with clarity and care.