ANGER might be the most frequent REACT experience in relationships. That alone makes it essential to develop relational skills to work with anger effectively. Using the cycle of REACT, REGROUP, REHEARSE, and REDO in relationship practice, we focus here on building capacity with this primary emotion.

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REACT:

Sometimes, we know we’re angry. We feel it, and we know the exact moment someone triggered us. It’s not pleasant, but it’s important to register both the feeling and the moment. Often, it comes with that sinking sensation—“Ughh, here we go again.”

Important aside: Sometimes we don’t know we’re angry. We might just feel off, disconnected, maybe even depressed. In those cases, our task is to develop the ability to feel anger—especially if we learned early on that anger was unsafe, unacceptable, or pointless. This reclaiming of anger is a form of emotional intelligence, a skill that needs time and practice to rebuild.

Can we tell the difference between simply feeling anger and believing we’re right while the other is wrong? That righteous certainty—"If only they hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t feel this way"—is not the same as feeling anger. In Systems-Centered Training (SCT), this state is called outrage. Anger is the internal signal: “I didn’t like that.” Outrage, on the other hand, is a guard—it projects blame, creating a sense of moral superiority while cutting us off from our own balance and clarity. It might feel good in the moment, but it ultimately feeds our suffering.

REGROUP:

Once we can differentiate anger from outrage, we’ve done a huge part of REGROUPING. We still feel something, but now we can choose to experience the anger directly rather than staying in the cycle of blame. This is how we reclaim our own energy and become more effective with others.

We use the 3 C’s:

CLAIM – We acknowledge: “I’m onto something here. I have good reason to feel this way.”
COMPASSION – Not yet for the other, but for ourselves. It’s not easy to be on the receiving end of something unpleasant.
CURIOSITY – We shift from certainty to wondering. Especially wondering about our own reactivity. Words like marvel or awe might help us reach this open stance.

Anger, as a primary emotion, feels clear. It’s surprisingly pleasant when compared to the tightness of outrage. Replacing protective emotions with primary ones is a cornerstone of the ME & WE method.

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REHEARSE:

Now that we’ve regrouped, we’re ready to REHEARSE. We use GAS: GOAL – ACTION – SITUATION.

When we’re in REACT, we think we already did this: our goal is to stop them, our action is to tell them to stop, and the imagined outcome is peace. But we know how often this doesn’t work—and how often it makes things worse.

So we start by reviewing the SITUATION:

What were the roles involved (e.g., husband/wife, employer/employee)?
What was said?
What past interactions are relevant?
Where were the emotional triggers?

We aim for a “helicopter view” to reduce personalization and increase clarity. One useful trick here is to describe the interaction in third person—“the husband said,” “the colleague replied”—even when it’s your own experience. This shift in narrative voice helps unhook us from reactive identity and makes room for a more spacious, less defensive view. This helps us find a more satisfying GOAL—one that might include tweaking the context, not the person.

In my Berkeley therapy practice, we then explore possible ACTIONS toward that goal.

REDO:

Sometimes, REDO means going back and saying: “I’ve thought more about what happened. I want to redo that. Here’s where I am now.”

That can work. But often, it’s more realistic to prepare for the pattern to repeat—and to be ready then.

One simple REDO I’ve used with my husband:

“I don’t like what you said. Oh well, I don’t get to have everything the way I like. What time did you say they’re coming over?”

Another:

“You’re saying... That makes sense. I imagine that’s hard.”

Here, I reflect, validate, and empathize. Then I pause and say:

“Got your stance. Right? Ready to shift and hear mine?”

The first example doesn’t require mutual development. The second invites it. We each get to decide how much mutual development we want—and how to redirect for satisfaction, even when mutuality isn’t possible. In those moments, we are in the realm of “unequal,” where we hold the WE alone—not because we’re superior, but because we have the capacity and desire to preserve connection or reduce harm, even if the other cannot or will not join us. In contrast, mutual development means both people hold the WE together, co-creating space for shared influence and repair.

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As a relationship therapist, I recognize this as true self-empowerment.

The satisfaction of using RRRR is enhanced when we also track our EFFORT, PROGRESS, IMPACT (on others), and CLAIM of our growing wisdom and ability—what we call EPIC. The more we practice RRRR and cheer ourselves on with EPIC, the more we feel happiness and recognize how we make a difference. Each moment of effort and awareness adds to our capacity for influence, connection, and personal strength.

Transform Anger Into Clarity Through Online Relationship Practice in Berkeley, California

Anger can feel overwhelming, especially when it shows up again and again in the relationships that matter most. Relationship practice offers a way to work with anger as a self-development skill, helping you understand its message, reduce its intensity, and respond with greater choice instead of regret.

In the Me and We Relationship Practice group, offered through my online practice in Berkeley, CA, you learn to work with anger using the cycle of REACT, REGROUP, REHEARSE, and REDO. Together, we explore the deeper communication signals that live beneath anger, complaints, and defensiveness.

Through experiential learning, shared reflection, and practical tools, you develop the capacity to pause, reorganize internally, practice new responses, and return to challenging moments with awareness and compassion across all areas of your life.

Here’s how to begin your journey toward working with anger in a way that supports growth and connection:

Explore whether the Me and We Relationship Practice group is right for you by scheduling a free 15-minute consultation.
Work with an experienced relationship therapist in Berkeley who helps you access the wisdom within your emotional intelligence and unmet needs.
Learn to recognize your creative guards without letting them take over. Build self-development skills that help you feel more grounded, whole, and alive in your relationships.

Other Services With Bonnie Macbride in Berkeley, CA

Learning to work skillfully with anger requires practice in real time, not just insight after the fact. The Me and We Relationship Practice group offers a supportive setting where you can explore how anger shows up, understand what it’s protecting, and develop the capacity to respond with clarity rather than reactivity.

My relationship practice group provides a structured, experiential space to work directly with challenging moments, especially those shaped by frustration, resentment, or feeling unheard. Within the group, you examine familiar patterns, practice expressing your truth, and build emotional resilience using the cycle of REACT, REGROUP, REHEARSE, and REDO. Together, we go to the heart of the work, transforming anger into a signal that guides growth, connection, and choice.

Through my online California therapy practice, I offer several groups designed to support personal and relational development. The Me and We Relationship Practice group is open to all genders and serves as an introduction to the Me and We Method, with opportunities for continued participation as skills deepen. For those seeking a more committed container, my Growth and Leadership groups (women only) provide ongoing exploration of emotional regulation, self-authority, and relational influence. As a licensed online therapist in Berkeley, I support individuals in learning how to take responsibility for their inner experience and positively shape their relational environments.

If you’d like to engage in group-based growth work, I invite you to schedule a free consultation. You can also explore my Me and We audio course, blog, and FAQ page for practical tools and perspectives that support self-awareness, emotional regulation, and deeper connection. Wherever you are on your journey, you don’t have to do this work alone. Join others who bring commitment, curiosity, and energy to their growth.

About the Author

Dr. Bonnie Macbride, EdD, MFT, is a Northern California–based therapist with more than 25 years of experience working with individuals, couples, and relationship practice groups. Her approach is informed by her certification in Emotionally Focused Therapy, extensive training in Systems Centered Training, and her background as a former Professor of Counseling Psychology. As the creator of the Me and We Method, Bonnie brings a deeply experiential lens to relationship group work, helping clients work directly with emotions like anger, reactivity, and longing as opportunities for self-development. Her work supports people in building awareness, leadership, and the capacity to influence relationships with intention, responsibility, and care.

Self-Development Skill for Anger: Using the Cycle of RRRR